Acceptance

I should know and accept who I am and what I am before I try to be what I want to be.

Authority

For some reason, I have never been a fan of "authority". Authoritative leadership and management styles have never impressed me in any way.

I am the kind of person who is more pliable with persuasive/inspiration based leadership and management. I am not comfortable sharing my opinions with people who are authoritative and threatening. I stop looking at the actual problem and become defensive. I stop thinking creatively.

What do I consider authoritative leadership?

An authoritative leader

• forces his opinion on people. He does not let people make their decision.
  
• needs to control to see things done the "right" way.
• needs to create fear of consequence in order to get things done.
• will try not to give any impression that he could be wrong because he is supposed to be right, otherwise he cannot command respect.
• grooms puppets, not self-reliant thinkers.
• trusts very few.
  

An inspiration based leader

• tries to persuade and convince based on reason, and also allows himself to be convinced if reason prevails.
  
• knows that there is something to learn from everyone.
• does not use his power and position to dictate terms with people.
• cares to first understand what the other person is thinking, and tries to start from there.
• acts more and talks less.
• does not fear to admit mistakes.
• allows people to make mistakes as long as they learn from them.
• can be trusted.
  

Marriage

Marriage is a sensitive topic. It is not easy to openly discuss such topics with anyone and everyone. When I was looking for a girl who I could live with, I found it hard to approach the project with the right mindset. I always wondered what I should ask, how I should describe myself, what I really wanted... There was fear and uncertainty. There were desires, likes and dislikes. The focus was a lot on myself - what I wanted, what I feared, how I should appear, what I deserved and so on. But it took a while for me to realize that marriage is not first about my needs, but about the other person's. I just thought I should help my fellow bachelors with my humble little tips gathered from my experience. Readers should remember that I am from an Indian background where dating is not a norm.

• Be yourself. Don't try to portray who you are not. Your wife is at least the one person who should know the real you.
• You could use daily activities as an ice breaker in conversations. It is easy to talk about what you did that day, what you will be doing, what you are doing etc. Small talk leads to interesting topics for discussion and tell a lot about people. Feel free to digress wildly.
• Have the right intentions. Do not go with the intention to win something. Do not go in with the fear of losing something. Go with the intention to be happy.
• Patience pays. Don't rush to reveal yourself, don't rush to find out about her. Act upon the situation. Let things flow. Wait for the right time to talk and to ask.
• Make room for questions - a lot of them. See if you can make questions a norm in your initial conversations. Give the other person total freedom to ask questions openly that will help her know you better. You could say "I had a whole list of questions for you. I am sure you would have them too. Feel free to ask if you remember any."
• Gather facts. Withhold judgment.
• If you are nervous, admit it. Nothing wrong in that. It will free you up (and the other person too) and help you be yourself again. You could say "Sorry, I haven't been in such a conversation before, and you are a new person to me. So I am a little nervous. So bear with me while I take sometime to open up and feel comfortable."
• Try to know why you want to marry. It helps if you understand what you are seeking in a marriage.
• Try to find out what makes you happy. Make a long list. Talk about it to the girl. Let her know what ways she can make you feel happy.
• Admit imperfections at the right time with sincerity. If you know things about you that irritate others, talk about it. Trust that the other person will appreciate your warning and take it at face value. There is nothing better than knowing that your wife still likes you despite your shortcomings.
• Don't expect perfection. Know that you will not find it. Recognize and accept imperfections of others. Treat people with dignity because no one can be perfect. Only if you can be tolerant of others' imperfections can you expect them to accept yours.
• Try to find out what makes her happy. Find out her likes and dislikes. See what you will be able to do to bring happiness into her life.
• Acknowledge what you like about her immediately. Don't wait to express happiness.
• Express your basic expectations up front. Try not to have a long list, and be open to possibilities. Don't rush to close doors - let them close themselves. Let your judgment be on the lines of "Do I have the ability to accept, tolerate and live with this in my marriage?" as opposed to a check or a cross mark in a checklist of desires.
• Express care. I think all people who marry, marry for this reason only. They want to be cared for. They want to be loved. Remember, marriage is not just about you.
• If you like the other person sincerely, but are not sure about how she feels, don't fear rejection and stop investing yourself. Only trust and faith can take you through.
• Matching value-systems of two people lead to better chances for a happy life. So seek for commonality more in fundamental belief systems than in daily interests.
• Make sure the girl really likes you for who you are before you decide to go for it.

Inspiration

I realized that being inspired from within is far better and preferable to being inspired from outside.

Often times, we like doing things because some one we admire executes something wonderfully - perhaps play an instrument to perfection, speak and motivate people, program well etc. I have been fortunate to have found myself among many talented people, and many of them I have wanted to emulate. I have learned so much from all of these people. But the most fulfillment I have felt is when I achieved something of my own accord - when I have inspired myself to do something. It is an irony that at the end of such an experience when I am able to express myself with clarity, I end up feeling that I couldn't have done it myself. I guess that is the beauty of it.

It is good to be inspired from people around us. But it'd be great if all of us can seek inspiration from within ourselves. It is in there - without doubt. And the best way to find it is to accept ourself for who we truly are - our strengths, our weaknesses, our imperfections, our guilt, our desires, and then, do the right things with a strong faith that it will find us.

Action speaks more

Gratitude and Love is expressed best by action than by words.

Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions

Swami's study circle yesterday on "Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions" was a very needed one because this was where I was heading to in the last few months without being able to word it correctly. This study circle seemed to put more pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in place.

All of us tend to accept positive emotions like love, faith, trust, joy but tend to not accept negative emotions like anger, fear, jealousy. This study circle was a persuasion to accept all emotions with equanimity. The most interesting questions for me were "What is the benefit of accepting all emotions?" and "What does accepting really mean? What should you do to accept an emotion?"

Here is my second take on these questions.

When we resist a negative emotion and avoid it, the we actually move away from the solution of the underlying problem to a greater extent than at the time when we first experienced the emotion. For example, when I am angry with someone because they insulted me, and as a result I try to avoid facing them or try to remember the incident because it makes me even more angrier, all I am doing is running away from the problem. The other option I often take is to drive the emotion away from me or keep it locked somewhere hidden, by performing acts of justifying the act, defending myself and rationalizing that I was right. Other times, I live through the emotion without really wanting it and this drains me to a great extent both physically and mentally.

What we run away from will eventually follow to haunt us some day. If we are ready for the pain we may face when the locked emotions resurface, we are free to use these paths.

The other approach is to accept these negative emotions. I am still seeking to clearly understand what the process of "accepting" the emotion really entails, but I guess it is about

- becoming aware that you are feeling painful emotions
- identifying the emotion that is causing the pain
- saying to myself that it is okay for me to feel this way (betrayed, angry, fearful, jealous etc.)

This is the toughest part because our natural instinct is to avoid these emotions and shove them away far enough that we don't see them ourselves at that time.

The next step then I guess, is to come face to face with it by asking oneself

- why I am feeling this way
- what do I really want for me and others
- what action can I take to create the result I seek

This process of questioning takes real guts because it makes us bring everything out to the table and reason objectively. It may reveal our own imperfections and invite us to take action about it.

Lot my thoughts on this topic have been influenced by this very nice book on Emotional Awareness. If this blog interests you, I highly recommend that you read the book.

Encouragement

It is so amazing to see how I thrive when I receive the proper encouragement and how disinterested I feel about things when I don't get the recognition.

I don't know if most people are like me, but I am sure many are. I need to be reassured that I am heading the right way. I need to know that people do think I am capable. This appreciation and recognition does a lot for my confidence.

However kiddish it may sound, people like me need it. It means a lot to us. Not sure if this is how I want it to be i.e. being driven by how others think of me, but I guess this is how I am right now.

Emotional Vocabulary

I think that it is important for us to be able to understand our emotions and express them effectively. Our relationships suffer if we are not able to communicate clearly to others what we exactly feel. We hide our emotions, we pretend it is not there, sometimes we really don't know it is there, sometimes we exaggerate it to others, we indirectly express it - we do all kinds of weird things that distances us from really understanding and becoming aware of what we feel.


Emotional literacy and emotional vocabulary is something that has started to get my attention lately. I want to find out how to pay attention to my feelings better, and be able to express them in a confident and clear way.

I just searched on Google and this was the first interesting link I hit. If you guys are aware of any other good reading on this topic, do drop me a note.

Responsibility

Last Thursday, I was having a conversation with a good friend about responsibility. I thought I should summarize my thoughts on this topic on my blog.

1. Responsibility is something that people have to choose to accept. It should not be forced upon them. It should come from within.

2. A person should assume responsibility only for what he believes he can control. There are things that happen beyond one's grasp and by assuming responsibility of those results, he is not helping himself. It is best recognize that results are beyond our capacity and make peace with the situation as it turns out to be. The act of accepting however, does not imply that the person does not care about the results.

3. Only the person assuming responsibility can make the true judgment of what he has control over and what he is capable of.

4. Neglecting responsibility when one really has the ability to make a difference is an opportunity lost. However, opportunities present themselves again for us to learn from them.

Rebirth

Teachers guide us to walk towards self-realization, so we will be relieved of these continued rebirths, and delusion of elation and dejection.

Here is another perspective. One birth doesn't seem enough for me to experience the magnificence of life. I don't seem to be able to consistently live those moments when I am able to "listen" to the music, "see" the beauty, "taste" the food, "smell" every breath, and "touch" feeling the life within. God, give me time and the energy to understand the abundance of your creation, even if it means dying to be born anew.