Teaching children

I would want to teach my children

• cause and effect more than right and wrong
• that happiness is what ultimately matters in life
  
• that everyone else's happiness matters as much as ours
  
• to believe that anything is possible if we put out heart, mind and soul into it
• to fear nothing in life
• and try.
  

A 2-liner

When you have received something you need without even asking for it, you are loved.
When you give something someone needs without waiting for them to ask, you love.

Superstitions

Its funny to see how superstitions have slowly gained more importance in my life as I have become older. I can still vividly recall the days being the lone guy who didn't bother to pay my exam fees on a Tuesday (considered a not so good day). My close friends would wait for the auspicious days to do that important action. At that time, I honestly didn't care too much about rank or recognition. I wasn't scared of anything - I felt I had nothing to lose. I believed I was the one who created my destiny. And you know what! I ended up with a university rank!

Comparing those days with now, I seem to have a lot more now that I feel I cannot afford to lose. My achievements, how people perceive me, my wife and family, my relationship with my friends etc. I really seem to need them now! In those days, I would dare to my mother and hand her the salt box without placing it on the table. (Changing salt hand to hand directly is considered a taboo and it is believed that the two people involved will fight if they do.) Now-a-days, I seem to think twice before I try that. I once yelled at my wife when she cut her nails carelessly in the living room. (It is said that if one steps over another's nail, they will fight).

I remember a few years ago I had a prolonged disagreement with a friend, and I remember that I had lent him salt. Perhaps, it was a coincidence, but it has registered in my mind as a probable cause. Such unwelcome incidents just happen and our brain creates connections from past experiences, and it just comes up magically with the reasons!

But the bigger message I want to convey is that it is indeed amazing to know how we gradually hold on to things in our lives! We tighten the grip as time goes on; we don't want to let go of them at all!

I guess I am ok with it. It is just a game I am willing to play!

Today's enlightenment

Life presents us various situations to deal with. I realized that these are very important things I constantly need to remind myself of:

- Being true to myself. Being straightforward, open and sincere.
- Having a pure intent. Not wishing negatively for others - in all circumstances.
- Expressing my intent clearly and genuinely - because intentions speak better than action.
- Acting positively towards my good intentions - changing myself if necessary - because no one is perfect.
- Accepting my limitations, and the result - whatever it may be.

Marriage

Marriage is a sensitive topic. It is not easy to openly discuss such topics with anyone and everyone. When I was looking for a girl who I could live with, I found it hard to approach the project with the right mindset. I always wondered what I should ask, how I should describe myself, what I really wanted... There was fear and uncertainty. There were desires, likes and dislikes. The focus was a lot on myself - what I wanted, what I feared, how I should appear, what I deserved and so on. But it took a while for me to realize that marriage is not first about my needs, but about the other person's. I just thought I should help my fellow bachelors with my humble little tips gathered from my experience. Readers should remember that I am from an Indian background where dating is not a norm.

• Be yourself. Don't try to portray who you are not. Your wife is at least the one person who should know the real you.
• You could use daily activities as an ice breaker in conversations. It is easy to talk about what you did that day, what you will be doing, what you are doing etc. Small talk leads to interesting topics for discussion and tell a lot about people. Feel free to digress wildly.
• Have the right intentions. Do not go with the intention to win something. Do not go in with the fear of losing something. Go with the intention to be happy.
• Patience pays. Don't rush to reveal yourself, don't rush to find out about her. Act upon the situation. Let things flow. Wait for the right time to talk and to ask.
• Make room for questions - a lot of them. See if you can make questions a norm in your initial conversations. Give the other person total freedom to ask questions openly that will help her know you better. You could say "I had a whole list of questions for you. I am sure you would have them too. Feel free to ask if you remember any."
• Gather facts. Withhold judgment.
• If you are nervous, admit it. Nothing wrong in that. It will free you up (and the other person too) and help you be yourself again. You could say "Sorry, I haven't been in such a conversation before, and you are a new person to me. So I am a little nervous. So bear with me while I take sometime to open up and feel comfortable."
• Try to know why you want to marry. It helps if you understand what you are seeking in a marriage.
• Try to find out what makes you happy. Make a long list. Talk about it to the girl. Let her know what ways she can make you feel happy.
• Admit imperfections at the right time with sincerity. If you know things about you that irritate others, talk about it. Trust that the other person will appreciate your warning and take it at face value. There is nothing better than knowing that your wife still likes you despite your shortcomings.
• Don't expect perfection. Know that you will not find it. Recognize and accept imperfections of others. Treat people with dignity because no one can be perfect. Only if you can be tolerant of others' imperfections can you expect them to accept yours.
• Try to find out what makes her happy. Find out her likes and dislikes. See what you will be able to do to bring happiness into her life.
• Acknowledge what you like about her immediately. Don't wait to express happiness.
• Express your basic expectations up front. Try not to have a long list, and be open to possibilities. Don't rush to close doors - let them close themselves. Let your judgment be on the lines of "Do I have the ability to accept, tolerate and live with this in my marriage?" as opposed to a check or a cross mark in a checklist of desires.
• Express care. I think all people who marry, marry for this reason only. They want to be cared for. They want to be loved. Remember, marriage is not just about you.
• If you like the other person sincerely, but are not sure about how she feels, don't fear rejection and stop investing yourself. Only trust and faith can take you through.
• Matching value-systems of two people lead to better chances for a happy life. So seek for commonality more in fundamental belief systems than in daily interests.
• Make sure the girl really likes you for who you are before you decide to go for it.

Inspiration

I realized that being inspired from within is far better and preferable to being inspired from outside.

Often times, we like doing things because some one we admire executes something wonderfully - perhaps play an instrument to perfection, speak and motivate people, program well etc. I have been fortunate to have found myself among many talented people, and many of them I have wanted to emulate. I have learned so much from all of these people. But the most fulfillment I have felt is when I achieved something of my own accord - when I have inspired myself to do something. It is an irony that at the end of such an experience when I am able to express myself with clarity, I end up feeling that I couldn't have done it myself. I guess that is the beauty of it.

It is good to be inspired from people around us. But it'd be great if all of us can seek inspiration from within ourselves. It is in there - without doubt. And the best way to find it is to accept ourself for who we truly are - our strengths, our weaknesses, our imperfections, our guilt, our desires, and then, do the right things with a strong faith that it will find us.

Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions

Swami's study circle yesterday on "Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions" was a very needed one because this was where I was heading to in the last few months without being able to word it correctly. This study circle seemed to put more pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in place.

All of us tend to accept positive emotions like love, faith, trust, joy but tend to not accept negative emotions like anger, fear, jealousy. This study circle was a persuasion to accept all emotions with equanimity. The most interesting questions for me were "What is the benefit of accepting all emotions?" and "What does accepting really mean? What should you do to accept an emotion?"

Here is my second take on these questions.

When we resist a negative emotion and avoid it, the we actually move away from the solution of the underlying problem to a greater extent than at the time when we first experienced the emotion. For example, when I am angry with someone because they insulted me, and as a result I try to avoid facing them or try to remember the incident because it makes me even more angrier, all I am doing is running away from the problem. The other option I often take is to drive the emotion away from me or keep it locked somewhere hidden, by performing acts of justifying the act, defending myself and rationalizing that I was right. Other times, I live through the emotion without really wanting it and this drains me to a great extent both physically and mentally.

What we run away from will eventually follow to haunt us some day. If we are ready for the pain we may face when the locked emotions resurface, we are free to use these paths.

The other approach is to accept these negative emotions. I am still seeking to clearly understand what the process of "accepting" the emotion really entails, but I guess it is about

- becoming aware that you are feeling painful emotions
- identifying the emotion that is causing the pain
- saying to myself that it is okay for me to feel this way (betrayed, angry, fearful, jealous etc.)

This is the toughest part because our natural instinct is to avoid these emotions and shove them away far enough that we don't see them ourselves at that time.

The next step then I guess, is to come face to face with it by asking oneself

- why I am feeling this way
- what do I really want for me and others
- what action can I take to create the result I seek

This process of questioning takes real guts because it makes us bring everything out to the table and reason objectively. It may reveal our own imperfections and invite us to take action about it.

Lot my thoughts on this topic have been influenced by this very nice book on Emotional Awareness. If this blog interests you, I highly recommend that you read the book.

Encouragement

It is so amazing to see how I thrive when I receive the proper encouragement and how disinterested I feel about things when I don't get the recognition.

I don't know if most people are like me, but I am sure many are. I need to be reassured that I am heading the right way. I need to know that people do think I am capable. This appreciation and recognition does a lot for my confidence.

However kiddish it may sound, people like me need it. It means a lot to us. Not sure if this is how I want it to be i.e. being driven by how others think of me, but I guess this is how I am right now.

Responsibility

Last Thursday, I was having a conversation with a good friend about responsibility. I thought I should summarize my thoughts on this topic on my blog.

1. Responsibility is something that people have to choose to accept. It should not be forced upon them. It should come from within.

2. A person should assume responsibility only for what he believes he can control. There are things that happen beyond one's grasp and by assuming responsibility of those results, he is not helping himself. It is best recognize that results are beyond our capacity and make peace with the situation as it turns out to be. The act of accepting however, does not imply that the person does not care about the results.

3. Only the person assuming responsibility can make the true judgment of what he has control over and what he is capable of.

4. Neglecting responsibility when one really has the ability to make a difference is an opportunity lost. However, opportunities present themselves again for us to learn from them.

Evolution of thought

I think our way of thinking evolves.

1. Ah! This is cool thing (s)he is doing.
2. I want to learn that.
3. I want to become an expert.
4. So I have gained reasonable expertise. Now what? Why did I do this in the first place?
5. How can I use what I have learned to solve a problem?
6. Ah! This is a problem worthwhile to solve because the solution will have a good impact.
7. Go to Step 2.

I am in the first iteration of this loop at step 4. I smell step 5.

What I truly can be

I like it if people can respect me for what I truly can be more than what I am because of my actions.

No right, no wrong - only choice

One thing I realized have been grappling with is to understand and know what is the correct thing to do for the moment. Yes - the "correct" action. I wanted to be correct. I didn't want to be wrong.

But what I came to realize is there are no "correct" or "wrong" actions. There are only choices that you can make. You make a choice in life and move on without regrets.

A big mistake people who were like me make is to look back regretting choices that we made and label them as "wrong". When this happens, you don't accept yourself they way you are today. You become opinionated and are not really happy about your own self. And it becomes tough to move on.

At every moment in life, we need to make decisions. The best way to look at the options we have is not by labelling any of them as "right" or "wrong" and "correct" or "incorrect". Because if we do, we disdain or become attached to the choices and it becomes difficult for you to forgive ourself if realize later that we picked the choice which turned out to be the "not so correct" one.

So the best thing we can do is to pick a choice using our instincts and invest on it. Give it our all. Don't look back because we could not have made a better choice for ourself.

This question may arise: What if my choice is to kill and not to kill. Isn't the "correct" choice obvious?

Not always. What if people are being held hostage by a serial killer? What if he is going to kill you if you don't act in time? What I am trying to say is that the notion of "correct" and "wrong" is what we tell ourselves at that moment. There is no definitive guide to what the correct action is at any given moment. If there was such a guide, then life wouldn't be so unpredictable as it is now.

The only thing we can do is to trust that our instincts will guide us the way it is meant to be and invest in what our instincts tells us. It is best to affirm that our instincts will be driven by a power far greater than me and have faith that it will guide us on a good path which leads us to somewere nice. If someday if we were forced to chose to kill, then we cannot move on if we begin to regret and blame ourself for having done the "wrong" action.

The world is perfect as it is and will be perfect the way it is going to be tomorrow. I could not have been more perfect than I am today and I am always going to be perfect as I am tomorrow.

Secret to True Freedom

The past few days, few people and a few books have made me get a much better understanding of what true freedom is all about. You are free when you are rid of guilt and when you can truly love. More importantly, you have true freedom when you have no resistance toward anything - yes, absolutely everything -- this is when your mind ceases to work (because our mind is just a bundle of fears), but the spirit takes its place.

In everyday life, I can see myself blocked by my fears. In the last few months, this huge wall of my fears right in front of me has grown taller and taller, and tougher to overcome each day. I was the one who built it unknowingly and I could feel it everyday, but could never see it. I was in a constant state of denial - denial that those fears existed. Deep down, something told me I resisted, but I didn't want that to be true.

The challenge I feel each of us face is to identify what we really fear underneath all our emotions. This is not easy to dig this out because we constantly deny our fears, which the spirit wants us to overcome.

One good way I learned to find these out for myself is by doing a self-inquiry on how much I "hide" in my life. What are my greatest secrets I don't want people to know? What is it that is so dear and private to me that I don't want to let go of it? Do I "pretend" that there is nothing wrong with my relationship with someone? Can I look up to anyone in their eyes and sincerely say "You are perfect the way you are"?

For some, the fear could be a desire for something, for someone. For others it could be their financial problems. It could even be health related. Or it could be some wrong action they have done, or even some wrong act by others where they were victimized.

Most often, releasing these secrets is our greatest fear. We fear judgment from our friends and family. We fear that if people know about it we will be a bad example in society. We fear rejection. What we don't see is the freedom we will gain by releasing those fears. Once we strip ourselves and show all we have to the whole world, there is nothing to fear from, and that is the greatest thing one can strive for. And that is precisely what Mahavir did. He released everything he thought he held on to - his thoughts and fears, his material possessions including his clothes and that is how he overcame his mind.

The secret to freedom is simple, but profound. It is to come out from hiding into the open, and do the action that the spirit is calling for us to do. Most often it is either to forgive the offender (even if it is yourself), or to seek for forgiveness from the person you offended. If we can try this once, we will come to relish the value and joy of true freedom.

So what do you think about me!

It is amazing to see how much effort each of us put in in our lives to change or retain others perception of our identity. Most often this is what seems to be driving my life; but the reality as I understand is that, this is exactly what blocks me from being true to myself and utilizing my fullest capacity.

This idea was touched upon by Soumya and Swami earlier in their study circles, but I am just beginning to understand with a broader meaning now.

Most of our energy I think is spent on trying to create, retain or change others' opinions about us rather than just doing an action for its sake. We always seek for appreciation and praise. I think this is because in reality, we really don't know who we really are and what we are actually capable of. Hence we base our identity on what others think about us. If you really knew who you were, you really wouldn't care a penny for what the other person has to say about you.

When someone says something about me, I tend to measure and rate myself. This is precisely where I think I am wrong because each of us is an immeasurable, limitless creation. When someone says I am good, I limit myself to that amount of what seems "good", and I stop to see the possibility of anything beyond that. When someone says I am "bad", I bind myself to that opinion and am forced into the illusion that I do not have it in me. When we react to other's opinions whether good or bad, we consciously allow THEIR opinion to become OUR reality.

The Divine is never affected by what others have to say because He never takes credit for His actions. When the action is not Mine, why bother to measure?

Discipline vs. Non-Judgement

I would like to share with you a very nice email conversation I had with Soumya a few days ago. about discipline vs. non-judgment. Before I say anything, let me present you the conversation.

Vish:
A question has been lingering in my mind, and I've been seeking an answer for a while now, but it still has remained. I just want to share it with you.

An aspect of good leadership is making sure that the team maintains discipline. Discipline is very important so that the group stays focused on its task. Not everyone can do everything, so it is important that the best people do it. People who are responsible for getting things done should be disciplined and ensure that they deliver what is expected of them.

The other facet of (not necessarily exclusive to) leadership is being non-judgmental about the people we work with. It is our reposibility to ensure that each and everyone brings their best to the table, and let God work through them. This is best done when there is no fear of failure and when people are non-judgemental. We should let the person be whoever he/she is by accepting them from within our hearts and enjoy the God within them.

The problem I see here is that we cannot really make sure there is discipline without being judgemental of others. If once we find that there is no discipline, we have already judged haven't we?

How can I see God in people and say that "The person (who is God) is not perfect yet" at the same time? But then, if I don't do that, am I not being ignorant of the task to complete, thus failing in the arena of discipline?

I find this question relating to many aspects in life. Bhajan singing. If I don't really adore someone else's singing, am I not being judgmental? The problem is with me, is it not? But at the same time, only when good singers sing and discipline is followed do bhajans achieve their collective purpose.

In a team project, if we find that a member does not contribute up to what we think is his best constantly, what do we do? We have two options: 1. Be ignorant, and you can still see the God in him. 2. Talk to him about it. But then, you have judged the person now.

How can we achieve discipline and non-judgment at the same time?

Soumya:
You have hit on the exact problem of parenthood, which is a very specific form of leadership. This is a problem that I have grappled with all these years and I have made some progress but I'm really still working on this.

First of all, I think that one of the main lessons of leadership is that, from the leader's point of view, the exercise is really for you to learn how to lead and the path is the particular project. If we think that the project is really the outcome and the path is for us to learn, I believe that we will have trouble. This understanding helps because we can then strive for the best possible project outcome but at the same time be detached about the project outcome.

Secondly, I think that whatever trait we are trying to inculcate into the others, we must examine that we are doing it to our utmost.

Thirdly, what to do about when we see deficiencies? I think that people don't perform up to a certain standard when they don't inherently believe that they can. As a leader, pushing them is important, not just to get the project done, but to show them something that they don't believe in themselves. I think that then you are truly not judging. You are not saying, "Look, you can't do this; you aren't disciplined", etc. You are actually saying, "You may not believe you are capable of discipline, but I'll show you that you are!" This is what really good teachers do to you--they force you to strive harder and push you till you believe you can. It is kind of like what a personal trainer does--when you don't think you can run another lap, he forces you to.

All of this is possible only when you see the larger picture that the project is the path for you to develop as a person who visualizes other people as better than they presently appear to be and for the workers to develop the different skills and abilities and character required by the project. It can really only happen when everyone strives but the outcome of the project is left in God's hands.


Every time things don't happen like the way we think it is supposed to, we visualize people as incapable. We stop believing in their ability. Our presumption about them starts to haunt us. That is precisely what judgment is. Instead, if we continue to set examples of how to do the job the best possible way and be the happiest people on earth, there are very few ways to motivate them better! The most important thing is that deep down in your heart you should believe that they can do it. That is the way you see the God in them. A 'deficiency' to you will naturally not seem like one. It will seem like an opportunity to motivate people. Even if there is just a little bit of uncertainty in your mind in the first place, you have absolutely no reason to inspire them to believe in themselves.

Soumya's reply inspired me to compose this poem.

First Believe in Thy heart,
cause Thou nature art God;
Then inspire Thy neighbor to Believe in his,
cause he often forgets he art God too;
But only after Thou start Believing in him,
cause he will see the God within - only using Thy eyes!

"Balance'" your thoughts

Divinity is reached by the absence of thought in one's mind. Is that the only way, or is it possible to realize Divinity from a "balance" in thought? Then what exactly does this "balance" mean?

I think it means acceptance of what happens around us, and taking it at face value. Usually in our minds, one thought triggers another, which triggers a second one and so on. If we observe carefully, our thought processes are more or less like a network, one leading to another and another, sometimes back to where we started from and is sometimes a complete mess. The more such triggering, the more chaos and worrisome our mind gets. The lesser this chain reaction of thoughts, the more peaceful and happy it is.

The idea is to make this network of thoughts simpler and simpler and less deeper as we progress in our life. This is what I believe is "balancing" of thoughts.

"Balancing" thoughts will slowly lead to times when there is a momentary absence of thought, and that is when we feel peace. And the more often we experience this so called peace, the more closer we are towards Divinity.

Conclusion: When you are thinking too much, stop! And Act. There is no better way to stop your thoughts than acting. After all what is Love? Isn't it action where necessary without thought? It is not a feeling or emotion which basically starts from a thought.

Reinforcing positive thoughts

This has been a good streak of connectedness for me! Two significant things to talk about. First, the Wayne Dyer chapter on "Stop Giving energy on things you don't Believe in" inspired me a whole lot! I took home some great ideas from that chapter which I want to kind of summarize.

Spiritual people express their desires freely. They are willing to ask people about what they are seeking for without feeling insecure and defensive. They are confident about themselves and their abilities. They then intend to change in a way which will lead them to what they want in their lives. They strengthen their will without letting doubts creep into their minds. They begin to accept the change passionately. Express desire - Ask people - Intend to change - Be passionate.

Do not spend energy on things you don't want. Thoughts are like money given to you freely. Spend each dollar given to you on things you like, which give you happiness. Usually people use up all their thoughts into things which make them sad and depressed and continue to complain about it. Instead, inculcate positive thoughts that increase your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. The mind is such an amazing creation. You can ask it to precisely do what you want. It can be made to feel happy in the most seemingly depressing situations, and it can also go into the other end, into cascading negative ideas to make you think that life is so bad even in situations that deserve celebration.

The idea is to stop thinking negatively. When you find yourself with a negative thought, STOP right there! Instead of the negative thought, reinforce the positive thought. "Oh my God! my work sucks" can be changed to "I am going to try to enjoy my work more". Each positive thought will reinforce change and make it a reality. This is the way to manifest what you want. When you are at a point when there is no doubt in your mind whatsoever that what you want cannot be stopped from happening, then there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can stop it from happening!

Get rid of your personal history. What has happened is over. Start this day with a clean slate. Start as if God gave you your life at this very moment with all the skills you currently have just without your memory to be able to judge and label situations and people. Take things as they come in life without ever trying to create implications for yourself.

Now to the other significant thing. It is about the Adult Study Circle the day before yesterday. The question was "Swami used to say, 'My Life is My Message'. Lately He has been saying 'Your Life is My Message'. What is your understand of this?". I had initially passed this question because I was busy listening to people and I didn't have much to say when my turn came. (I wanted to make a conscious effort to listen to people rather than think about what to say). But as people spoke, I assimilated some thoughts briefly about my answer, but the way I spoke it out stunned me. It was clearly not me, and there was no doubt about it. It was the Divinity in me that sparked! The next paragraph summarizes what it had to say.

Swami used to say His previous quote perhaps referring to people who were seeking to see the God in Him. Those that were not in His fold yet. But once we have come into His fold after having recognized His Divinity, it is now time to help people recognize the Divinity in You! After all, aren't you and He one? So isn't Our Life is His Message?

So go! Go show your Divinity to all! Act Divine, speak Divine, think Divine. YOUR Life is His Message!