Its funny to see how superstitions have slowly gained more importance in my life as I have become older. I can still vividly recall the days being the lone guy who didn't bother to pay my exam fees on a Tuesday (considered a not so good day). My close friends would wait for the auspicious days to do that important action. At that time, I honestly didn't care too much about rank or recognition. I wasn't scared of anything - I felt I had nothing to lose. I believed I was the one who created my destiny. And you know what! I ended up with a university rank!
Comparing those days with now, I seem to have a lot more now that I feel I cannot afford to lose. My achievements, how people perceive me, my wife and family, my relationship with my friends etc. I really seem to need them now! In those days, I would dare to my mother and hand her the salt box without placing it on the table. (Changing salt hand to hand directly is considered a taboo and it is believed that the two people involved will fight if they do.) Now-a-days, I seem to think twice before I try that. I once yelled at my wife when she cut her nails carelessly in the living room. (It is said that if one steps over another's nail, they will fight).
I remember a few years ago I had a prolonged disagreement with a friend, and I remember that I had lent him salt. Perhaps, it was a coincidence, but it has registered in my mind as a probable cause. Such unwelcome incidents just happen and our brain creates connections from past experiences, and it just comes up magically with the reasons!
But the bigger message I want to convey is that it is indeed amazing to know how we gradually hold on to things in our lives! We tighten the grip as time goes on; we don't want to let go of them at all!
I guess I am ok with it. It is just a game I am willing to play!
Showing posts with label lessons of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons of life. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Sharing judgment
When we describe some thing or some place, or some person, or some event, to a friend, we often end up not just transferring to them the description to the other person, but also our sense of judgment about that thing, event or person. I am realizing it profoundly when I describe to my wife my past events in my life, people I have interacted with, people who I have a good opinion about, those I don't, people in my life that have transformed me and so on. I see that I not only share with them the facts, but also what I feel about them - its emotional value. Sharing judgment is sometimes good. Sometimes it is not so good. When the event, person or event is a positive one, the effect is wonderful - we are spreading happiness. But when our own perspective of the event is negative, and if the listener accepts the negative perspective blindly, it may not be a good thing.
What I am arriving at is this: It is the responsibility of the narrator to describe the story in such a way that facts are separated from his own judgment. When appropriate, it is always good to clearly indicate to the listener that what he is describing is his own judgment and not necessarily the final verdict. And as a listener, it is important to not blindly accept others judgments, and take them at full value. The listener could use the facts along with his own experience, knowledge and maturity to provide perhaps a different perspective to the subject - which is always better.
What I am arriving at is this: It is the responsibility of the narrator to describe the story in such a way that facts are separated from his own judgment. When appropriate, it is always good to clearly indicate to the listener that what he is describing is his own judgment and not necessarily the final verdict. And as a listener, it is important to not blindly accept others judgments, and take them at full value. The listener could use the facts along with his own experience, knowledge and maturity to provide perhaps a different perspective to the subject - which is always better.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Today's enlightenment
Life presents us various situations to deal with. I realized that these are very important things I constantly need to remind myself of:
- Being true to myself. Being straightforward, open and sincere.
- Having a pure intent. Not wishing negatively for others - in all circumstances.
- Expressing my intent clearly and genuinely - because intentions speak better than action.
- Acting positively towards my good intentions - changing myself if necessary - because no one is perfect.
- Accepting my limitations, and the result - whatever it may be.
- Being true to myself. Being straightforward, open and sincere.
- Having a pure intent. Not wishing negatively for others - in all circumstances.
- Expressing my intent clearly and genuinely - because intentions speak better than action.
- Acting positively towards my good intentions - changing myself if necessary - because no one is perfect.
- Accepting my limitations, and the result - whatever it may be.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Communicating our philosophy of leadership
While working in teams, I think it helps if every individual at some point clarify his or her philosophy of leadership to other members of the team who are in a similar growth path.
Different people have different definitions of leadership. Some would claim that authority on the field, skills, experience and capabilities make a person a capable leader. Others may claim that leader should not be assigned because different people emerge as leaders at different situations because not everyone can be a leader at every time. Some may say that leaders should have power and authority to command over the team they lead - and others may believe that leaders are on the same playing field, and that reason prevails over hierarchy. People have strong opinions about such topics because of their background and upbringing.
When people with different philosophies of leadership meet and work together without knowing each others approach to growth, their way of working collides and there is more room for conflicts. One person's assertive approach may appear rude to the other, and another person's modesty may appear as incapability. On the other hand, it helps if each person communicates his approach to leadership, and helps his team understand his way of handling things and his expectations from everyone else. Ideal would be for some person in the team with the "facilitator" role to create a forum for the team to share these thoughts and come to an understanding as to what would work best for the team as such. When employers are interviewing candidates or when anyone interviewing with a potential employer, it also helps to discuss this topic and evaluate if the environment and the candidate are a good match.
Different people have different definitions of leadership. Some would claim that authority on the field, skills, experience and capabilities make a person a capable leader. Others may claim that leader should not be assigned because different people emerge as leaders at different situations because not everyone can be a leader at every time. Some may say that leaders should have power and authority to command over the team they lead - and others may believe that leaders are on the same playing field, and that reason prevails over hierarchy. People have strong opinions about such topics because of their background and upbringing.
When people with different philosophies of leadership meet and work together without knowing each others approach to growth, their way of working collides and there is more room for conflicts. One person's assertive approach may appear rude to the other, and another person's modesty may appear as incapability. On the other hand, it helps if each person communicates his approach to leadership, and helps his team understand his way of handling things and his expectations from everyone else. Ideal would be for some person in the team with the "facilitator" role to create a forum for the team to share these thoughts and come to an understanding as to what would work best for the team as such. When employers are interviewing candidates or when anyone interviewing with a potential employer, it also helps to discuss this topic and evaluate if the environment and the candidate are a good match.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Indispensability
It has been six years since I moved to Phoenix to do my Masters. In these years I have seen many friends come to Phoenix and stay, and add meaning to our lives, and many close friends leave for good. This month, my very close friend is about to leave, and it may very well happen that I will leave too in the next few months. This moving away feeling brings me to the thoughts in this post.
Many times, we feel we are indispensable. We feel that the value we create in our profession, in our community, in our social groups etc cannot be replaced.
The reality is nothing in this world is indispensable. The world will move on no matter what. The world does not and cannot revolve around us. People may be grateful for the service rendered, but they will not collapse in our absence. It is best to sincerely contribute when we have the opportunity, and let go, moving on to the next one when time comes, without trying to reap the fruits of the value we may have created.
The other story is also true. I may leave, but need not leave in sadness that I will not find what I have found here elsewhere. Happiness is what you create around yourself, it is not found only in a specific place or only around certain people. No city or town or social group is indispensable either.
Many times, we feel we are indispensable. We feel that the value we create in our profession, in our community, in our social groups etc cannot be replaced.
The reality is nothing in this world is indispensable. The world will move on no matter what. The world does not and cannot revolve around us. People may be grateful for the service rendered, but they will not collapse in our absence. It is best to sincerely contribute when we have the opportunity, and let go, moving on to the next one when time comes, without trying to reap the fruits of the value we may have created.
The other story is also true. I may leave, but need not leave in sadness that I will not find what I have found here elsewhere. Happiness is what you create around yourself, it is not found only in a specific place or only around certain people. No city or town or social group is indispensable either.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Collective Responsibility
Many large companies follow the hierarchical responsibility system, wherein the manager is responsible to lead a team consisting of several people who report to him. He is responsible for the success of the project the team is undertaking. He takes credit if the project succeeds, or the blame if it does not. However, his team members are working as hard as him to get the job done. His job is to oversee them, coordinate, plan, police, monitor and do whatever it takes to ensure that things are getting done in time. He is the channel for reporting status upwards in the food chain. His head is on the line if things fail, and he gets the credit if everthing goes on well.
For some reason which I am trying to discover by writing this down, this model does not seem correct to me. It seems like my value system contradicts with what is being followed in such reporting models.
That one person take credit or blame for the entire team doesn't sit well with me. It is okay for one person to coordinate all the activities and communicate to ensure that the grand vision is clear and reachable, but I think that person is in no way superior or inferior to people who perform the tasks. If things happened beyond the coordinator's control, it is not fair to blame him. Nor can he take away all the credit for the team's work just because he coordinated it. It would be against the principles of good teamwork.
The thought of 'teamwork' makes me want to clarify what I think it is about before I go on any further. In my opinion, a great team is where every member
The hierarchical responsibility structure seems to encourage control. Since only the manager's head is on the line for the entire project, he better be given the power to control everyone undertaking the tasks. Otherwise it won't work. This threat cascades into authoritative leadership styles which I have described in my earlier post. The single-point-of-responsibility system subtly says "I am in charge here". Instead of also making the rest of the team feel responsible for the overall goal equally as him, this approach makes puppets out of them.
Perhaps it is true that only this model works best for large companies where alignment of vision across a large populous can be done only based on some degree of hierarchical control, and enforcement because coordination in this structure is much simpler.
Hmm... or is there a better way? This I am not sure now.
In small and medium sized organizations, self directed work teams is great. It promotes teamwork and collective responsibility. Companies like Semco have adopted it and have proven that it works. They have eliminated several layers of management in the organization. Team members take turns in coordinating projects. This approach may relatively be more chaotic, may appear disorganized, may result in more conflicting opinions that need to be resolved, but I think all these are far easier and better problems to solve. Collective responsibility will result in better interactions between people. People will remind each other when tasks slip away. Unhealthy competition and rivalry is reduced. When reminded of common goals to achieve to which the entire team is committed, people will bring their conflicts to compromises sooner. The key here is collective responsibility for the grand vision, as well as collective rewards. I will think more about the latter and write about it soon.
For some reason which I am trying to discover by writing this down, this model does not seem correct to me. It seems like my value system contradicts with what is being followed in such reporting models.
That one person take credit or blame for the entire team doesn't sit well with me. It is okay for one person to coordinate all the activities and communicate to ensure that the grand vision is clear and reachable, but I think that person is in no way superior or inferior to people who perform the tasks. If things happened beyond the coordinator's control, it is not fair to blame him. Nor can he take away all the credit for the team's work just because he coordinated it. It would be against the principles of good teamwork.
The thought of 'teamwork' makes me want to clarify what I think it is about before I go on any further. In my opinion, a great team is where every member
- respects and is respected at all times, especially when opinions differ
- brings their best to the table and seeks to bring out the best in others
- is committed to, feels responsible for and seeks to achieve the common team goal
The hierarchical responsibility structure seems to encourage control. Since only the manager's head is on the line for the entire project, he better be given the power to control everyone undertaking the tasks. Otherwise it won't work. This threat cascades into authoritative leadership styles which I have described in my earlier post. The single-point-of-responsibility system subtly says "I am in charge here". Instead of also making the rest of the team feel responsible for the overall goal equally as him, this approach makes puppets out of them.
Perhaps it is true that only this model works best for large companies where alignment of vision across a large populous can be done only based on some degree of hierarchical control, and enforcement because coordination in this structure is much simpler.
Hmm... or is there a better way? This I am not sure now.
In small and medium sized organizations, self directed work teams is great. It promotes teamwork and collective responsibility. Companies like Semco have adopted it and have proven that it works. They have eliminated several layers of management in the organization. Team members take turns in coordinating projects. This approach may relatively be more chaotic, may appear disorganized, may result in more conflicting opinions that need to be resolved, but I think all these are far easier and better problems to solve. Collective responsibility will result in better interactions between people. People will remind each other when tasks slip away. Unhealthy competition and rivalry is reduced. When reminded of common goals to achieve to which the entire team is committed, people will bring their conflicts to compromises sooner. The key here is collective responsibility for the grand vision, as well as collective rewards. I will think more about the latter and write about it soon.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Authority
For some reason, I have never been a fan of "authority". Authoritative leadership and management styles have never impressed me in any way.
I am the kind of person who is more pliable with persuasive/inspiration based leadership and management. I am not comfortable sharing my opinions with people who are authoritative and threatening. I stop looking at the actual problem and become defensive. I stop thinking creatively.
What do I consider authoritative leadership?
An authoritative leader
I am the kind of person who is more pliable with persuasive/inspiration based leadership and management. I am not comfortable sharing my opinions with people who are authoritative and threatening. I stop looking at the actual problem and become defensive. I stop thinking creatively.
What do I consider authoritative leadership?
An authoritative leader
- forces his opinion on people. He does not let people make their decision.
- needs to control to see things done the "right" way.
- needs to create fear of consequence in order to get things done.
- will try not to give any impression that he could be wrong because he is supposed to be right, otherwise he cannot command respect.
- grooms puppets, not self-reliant thinkers.
- trusts very few.
- tries to persuade and convince based on reason, and also allows himself to be convinced if reason prevails.
- knows that there is something to learn from everyone.
- does not use his power and position to dictate terms with people.
- cares to first understand what the other person is thinking, and tries to start from there.
- acts more and talks less.
- does not fear to admit mistakes.
- allows people to make mistakes as long as they learn from them.
- can be trusted.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Marriage
Marriage is a sensitive topic. It is not easy to openly discuss such topics with anyone and everyone. When I was looking for a girl who I could live with, I found it hard to approach the project with the right mindset. I always wondered what I should ask, how I should describe myself, what I really wanted... There was fear and uncertainty. There were desires, likes and dislikes. The focus was a lot on myself - what I wanted, what I feared, how I should appear, what I deserved and so on. But it took a while for me to realize that marriage is not first about my needs, but about the other person's. I just thought I should help my fellow bachelors with my humble little tips gathered from my experience. Readers should remember that I am from an Indian background where dating is not a norm.
- Be yourself. Don't try to portray who you are not. Your wife is at least the one person who should know the real you.
- You could use daily activities as an ice breaker in conversations. It is easy to talk about what you did that day, what you will be doing, what you are doing etc. Small talk leads to interesting topics for discussion and tell a lot about people. Feel free to digress wildly.
- Have the right intentions. Do not go with the intention to win something. Do not go in with the fear of losing something. Go with the intention to be happy.
- Patience pays. Don't rush to reveal yourself, don't rush to find out about her. Act upon the situation. Let things flow. Wait for the right time to talk and to ask.
- Make room for questions - a lot of them. See if you can make questions a norm in your initial conversations. Give the other person total freedom to ask questions openly that will help her know you better. You could say "I had a whole list of questions for you. I am sure you would have them too. Feel free to ask if you remember any."
- Gather facts. Withhold judgment.
- If you are nervous, admit it. Nothing wrong in that. It will free you up (and the other person too) and help you be yourself again. You could say "Sorry, I haven't been in such a conversation before, and you are a new person to me. So I am a little nervous. So bear with me while I take sometime to open up and feel comfortable."
- Try to know why you want to marry. It helps if you understand what you are seeking in a marriage.
- Try to find out what makes you happy. Make a long list. Talk about it to the girl. Let her know what ways she can make you feel happy.
- Admit imperfections at the right time with sincerity. If you know things about you that irritate others, talk about it. Trust that the other person will appreciate your warning and take it at face value. There is nothing better than knowing that your wife still likes you despite your shortcomings.
- Don't expect perfection. Know that you will not find it. Recognize and accept imperfections of others. Treat people with dignity because no one can be perfect. Only if you can be tolerant of others' imperfections can you expect them to accept yours.
- Try to find out what makes her happy. Find out her likes and dislikes. See what you will be able to do to bring happiness into her life.
- Acknowledge what you like about her immediately. Don't wait to express happiness.
- Express your basic expectations up front. Try not to have a long list, and be open to possibilities. Don't rush to close doors - let them close themselves. Let your judgment be on the lines of "Do I have the ability to accept, tolerate and live with this in my marriage?" as opposed to a check or a cross mark in a checklist of desires.
- Express care. I think all people who marry, marry for this reason only. They want to be cared for. They want to be loved. Remember, marriage is not just about you.
- If you like the other person sincerely, but are not sure about how she feels, don't fear rejection and stop investing yourself. Only trust and faith can take you through.
- Matching value-systems of two people lead to better chances for a happy life. So seek for commonality more in fundamental belief systems than in daily interests.
- Make sure the girl really likes you for who you are before you decide to go for it.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions
Swami's study circle yesterday on "Accepting the full spectrum of human emotions" was a very needed one because this was where I was heading to in the last few months without being able to word it correctly. This study circle seemed to put more pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in place.
All of us tend to accept positive emotions like love, faith, trust, joy but tend to not accept negative emotions like anger, fear, jealousy. This study circle was a persuasion to accept all emotions with equanimity. The most interesting questions for me were "What is the benefit of accepting all emotions?" and "What does accepting really mean? What should you do to accept an emotion?"
Here is my second take on these questions.
When we resist a negative emotion and avoid it, the we actually move away from the solution of the underlying problem to a greater extent than at the time when we first experienced the emotion. For example, when I am angry with someone because they insulted me, and as a result I try to avoid facing them or try to remember the incident because it makes me even more angrier, all I am doing is running away from the problem. The other option I often take is to drive the emotion away from me or keep it locked somewhere hidden, by performing acts of justifying the act, defending myself and rationalizing that I was right. Other times, I live through the emotion without really wanting it and this drains me to a great extent both physically and mentally.
What we run away from will eventually follow to haunt us some day. If we are ready for the pain we may face when the locked emotions resurface, we are free to use these paths.
The other approach is to accept these negative emotions. I am still seeking to clearly understand what the process of "accepting" the emotion really entails, but I guess it is about
- becoming aware that you are feeling painful emotions
- identifying the emotion that is causing the pain
- saying to myself that it is okay for me to feel this way (betrayed, angry, fearful, jealous etc.)
This is the toughest part because our natural instinct is to avoid these emotions and shove them away far enough that we don't see them ourselves at that time.
The next step then I guess, is to come face to face with it by asking oneself
- why I am feeling this way
- what do I really want for me and others
- what action can I take to create the result I seek
This process of questioning takes real guts because it makes us bring everything out to the table and reason objectively. It may reveal our own imperfections and invite us to take action about it.
Lot my thoughts on this topic have been influenced by this very nice book on Emotional Awareness. If this blog interests you, I highly recommend that you read the book.
All of us tend to accept positive emotions like love, faith, trust, joy but tend to not accept negative emotions like anger, fear, jealousy. This study circle was a persuasion to accept all emotions with equanimity. The most interesting questions for me were "What is the benefit of accepting all emotions?" and "What does accepting really mean? What should you do to accept an emotion?"
Here is my second take on these questions.
When we resist a negative emotion and avoid it, the we actually move away from the solution of the underlying problem to a greater extent than at the time when we first experienced the emotion. For example, when I am angry with someone because they insulted me, and as a result I try to avoid facing them or try to remember the incident because it makes me even more angrier, all I am doing is running away from the problem. The other option I often take is to drive the emotion away from me or keep it locked somewhere hidden, by performing acts of justifying the act, defending myself and rationalizing that I was right. Other times, I live through the emotion without really wanting it and this drains me to a great extent both physically and mentally.
What we run away from will eventually follow to haunt us some day. If we are ready for the pain we may face when the locked emotions resurface, we are free to use these paths.
The other approach is to accept these negative emotions. I am still seeking to clearly understand what the process of "accepting" the emotion really entails, but I guess it is about
- becoming aware that you are feeling painful emotions
- identifying the emotion that is causing the pain
- saying to myself that it is okay for me to feel this way (betrayed, angry, fearful, jealous etc.)
This is the toughest part because our natural instinct is to avoid these emotions and shove them away far enough that we don't see them ourselves at that time.
The next step then I guess, is to come face to face with it by asking oneself
- why I am feeling this way
- what do I really want for me and others
- what action can I take to create the result I seek
This process of questioning takes real guts because it makes us bring everything out to the table and reason objectively. It may reveal our own imperfections and invite us to take action about it.
Lot my thoughts on this topic have been influenced by this very nice book on Emotional Awareness. If this blog interests you, I highly recommend that you read the book.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Emotional Vocabulary
I think that it is important for us to be able to understand our emotions and express them effectively. Our relationships suffer if we are not able to communicate clearly to others what we exactly feel. We hide our emotions, we pretend it is not there, sometimes we really don't know it is there, sometimes we exaggerate it to others, we indirectly express it - we do all kinds of weird things that distances us from really understanding and becoming aware of what we feel.
Emotional literacy and emotional vocabulary is something that has started to get my attention lately. I want to find out how to pay attention to my feelings better, and be able to express them in a confident and clear way.
I just searched on Google and this was the first interesting link I hit. If you guys are aware of any other good reading on this topic, do drop me a note.
Emotional literacy and emotional vocabulary is something that has started to get my attention lately. I want to find out how to pay attention to my feelings better, and be able to express them in a confident and clear way.
I just searched on Google and this was the first interesting link I hit. If you guys are aware of any other good reading on this topic, do drop me a note.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Accepting Others
I should not ignore and be indifferent to habits of people that irritate me. At the same time, I should not get sucked in, and let their negativity affect me.
Instead, I should be aware of the negativity, work around it, and get my task done.
I should do this because:
- the task at hand is more important to me than fixing people.
- I love to solve the problem at hand more than solving the person.
- I don't associate people's actions with their identity.
Instead, I should be aware of the negativity, work around it, and get my task done.
I should do this because:
- the task at hand is more important to me than fixing people.
- I love to solve the problem at hand more than solving the person.
- I don't associate people's actions with their identity.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
No right, no wrong - only choice
One thing I realized have been grappling with is to understand and know what is the correct thing to do for the moment. Yes - the "correct" action. I wanted to be correct. I didn't want to be wrong.
But what I came to realize is there are no "correct" or "wrong" actions. There are only choices that you can make. You make a choice in life and move on without regrets.
A big mistake people who were like me make is to look back regretting choices that we made and label them as "wrong". When this happens, you don't accept yourself they way you are today. You become opinionated and are not really happy about your own self. And it becomes tough to move on.
At every moment in life, we need to make decisions. The best way to look at the options we have is not by labelling any of them as "right" or "wrong" and "correct" or "incorrect". Because if we do, we disdain or become attached to the choices and it becomes difficult for you to forgive ourself if realize later that we picked the choice which turned out to be the "not so correct" one.
So the best thing we can do is to pick a choice using our instincts and invest on it. Give it our all. Don't look back because we could not have made a better choice for ourself.
This question may arise: What if my choice is to kill and not to kill. Isn't the "correct" choice obvious?
Not always. What if people are being held hostage by a serial killer? What if he is going to kill you if you don't act in time? What I am trying to say is that the notion of "correct" and "wrong" is what we tell ourselves at that moment. There is no definitive guide to what the correct action is at any given moment. If there was such a guide, then life wouldn't be so unpredictable as it is now.
The only thing we can do is to trust that our instincts will guide us the way it is meant to be and invest in what our instincts tells us. It is best to affirm that our instincts will be driven by a power far greater than me and have faith that it will guide us on a good path which leads us to somewere nice. If someday if we were forced to chose to kill, then we cannot move on if we begin to regret and blame ourself for having done the "wrong" action.
The world is perfect as it is and will be perfect the way it is going to be tomorrow. I could not have been more perfect than I am today and I am always going to be perfect as I am tomorrow.
But what I came to realize is there are no "correct" or "wrong" actions. There are only choices that you can make. You make a choice in life and move on without regrets.
A big mistake people who were like me make is to look back regretting choices that we made and label them as "wrong". When this happens, you don't accept yourself they way you are today. You become opinionated and are not really happy about your own self. And it becomes tough to move on.
At every moment in life, we need to make decisions. The best way to look at the options we have is not by labelling any of them as "right" or "wrong" and "correct" or "incorrect". Because if we do, we disdain or become attached to the choices and it becomes difficult for you to forgive ourself if realize later that we picked the choice which turned out to be the "not so correct" one.
So the best thing we can do is to pick a choice using our instincts and invest on it. Give it our all. Don't look back because we could not have made a better choice for ourself.
This question may arise: What if my choice is to kill and not to kill. Isn't the "correct" choice obvious?
Not always. What if people are being held hostage by a serial killer? What if he is going to kill you if you don't act in time? What I am trying to say is that the notion of "correct" and "wrong" is what we tell ourselves at that moment. There is no definitive guide to what the correct action is at any given moment. If there was such a guide, then life wouldn't be so unpredictable as it is now.
The only thing we can do is to trust that our instincts will guide us the way it is meant to be and invest in what our instincts tells us. It is best to affirm that our instincts will be driven by a power far greater than me and have faith that it will guide us on a good path which leads us to somewere nice. If someday if we were forced to chose to kill, then we cannot move on if we begin to regret and blame ourself for having done the "wrong" action.
The world is perfect as it is and will be perfect the way it is going to be tomorrow. I could not have been more perfect than I am today and I am always going to be perfect as I am tomorrow.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Secret to True Freedom
The past few days, few people and a few books have made me get a much better understanding of what true freedom is all about. You are free when you are rid of guilt and when you can truly love. More importantly, you have true freedom when you have no resistance toward anything - yes, absolutely everything -- this is when your mind ceases to work (because our mind is just a bundle of fears), but the spirit takes its place.
In everyday life, I can see myself blocked by my fears. In the last few months, this huge wall of my fears right in front of me has grown taller and taller, and tougher to overcome each day. I was the one who built it unknowingly and I could feel it everyday, but could never see it. I was in a constant state of denial - denial that those fears existed. Deep down, something told me I resisted, but I didn't want that to be true.
The challenge I feel each of us face is to identify what we really fear underneath all our emotions. This is not easy to dig this out because we constantly deny our fears, which the spirit wants us to overcome.
One good way I learned to find these out for myself is by doing a self-inquiry on how much I "hide" in my life. What are my greatest secrets I don't want people to know? What is it that is so dear and private to me that I don't want to let go of it? Do I "pretend" that there is nothing wrong with my relationship with someone? Can I look up to anyone in their eyes and sincerely say "You are perfect the way you are"?
For some, the fear could be a desire for something, for someone. For others it could be their financial problems. It could even be health related. Or it could be some wrong action they have done, or even some wrong act by others where they were victimized.
Most often, releasing these secrets is our greatest fear. We fear judgment from our friends and family. We fear that if people know about it we will be a bad example in society. We fear rejection. What we don't see is the freedom we will gain by releasing those fears. Once we strip ourselves and show all we have to the whole world, there is nothing to fear from, and that is the greatest thing one can strive for. And that is precisely what Mahavir did. He released everything he thought he held on to - his thoughts and fears, his material possessions including his clothes and that is how he overcame his mind.
The secret to freedom is simple, but profound. It is to come out from hiding into the open, and do the action that the spirit is calling for us to do. Most often it is either to forgive the offender (even if it is yourself), or to seek for forgiveness from the person you offended. If we can try this once, we will come to relish the value and joy of true freedom.
In everyday life, I can see myself blocked by my fears. In the last few months, this huge wall of my fears right in front of me has grown taller and taller, and tougher to overcome each day. I was the one who built it unknowingly and I could feel it everyday, but could never see it. I was in a constant state of denial - denial that those fears existed. Deep down, something told me I resisted, but I didn't want that to be true.
The challenge I feel each of us face is to identify what we really fear underneath all our emotions. This is not easy to dig this out because we constantly deny our fears, which the spirit wants us to overcome.
One good way I learned to find these out for myself is by doing a self-inquiry on how much I "hide" in my life. What are my greatest secrets I don't want people to know? What is it that is so dear and private to me that I don't want to let go of it? Do I "pretend" that there is nothing wrong with my relationship with someone? Can I look up to anyone in their eyes and sincerely say "You are perfect the way you are"?
For some, the fear could be a desire for something, for someone. For others it could be their financial problems. It could even be health related. Or it could be some wrong action they have done, or even some wrong act by others where they were victimized.
Most often, releasing these secrets is our greatest fear. We fear judgment from our friends and family. We fear that if people know about it we will be a bad example in society. We fear rejection. What we don't see is the freedom we will gain by releasing those fears. Once we strip ourselves and show all we have to the whole world, there is nothing to fear from, and that is the greatest thing one can strive for. And that is precisely what Mahavir did. He released everything he thought he held on to - his thoughts and fears, his material possessions including his clothes and that is how he overcame his mind.
The secret to freedom is simple, but profound. It is to come out from hiding into the open, and do the action that the spirit is calling for us to do. Most often it is either to forgive the offender (even if it is yourself), or to seek for forgiveness from the person you offended. If we can try this once, we will come to relish the value and joy of true freedom.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sending the right message
Many times when I am not happy about someone's actions, I tend to associate the action with the person and send the message across that the action is more important to me than the person itself. That is something I need to change about myself.
I think all of us have to remind ourselves to address the action, and not the actor. If we comment about just the action, but still truly care for the person from the bottom of our hearts, we send the right message across: "I know you can do better!" Whereas if we make a conclusion about the person based on his action, then we are actually saying "You are no good. I don't want to trust you", and the next thing that we will see happen is losing their trust and confidence.
I was reading Stephen Covey's '8th Habit' and I found one of his tips to give sincere feedback helpful. He suggests that when we give feedback on a negative action, it is good to talk about ourself and how we internally feel about the action. This is what he calls the 'I messages'. The opposite is the 'You messages' - exactly the wrong thing to do.
You probably know how it feels when you have sent 'You messages' - miserable, after you realize that you just fed your ego.
I think all of us have to remind ourselves to address the action, and not the actor. If we comment about just the action, but still truly care for the person from the bottom of our hearts, we send the right message across: "I know you can do better!" Whereas if we make a conclusion about the person based on his action, then we are actually saying "You are no good. I don't want to trust you", and the next thing that we will see happen is losing their trust and confidence.
I was reading Stephen Covey's '8th Habit' and I found one of his tips to give sincere feedback helpful. He suggests that when we give feedback on a negative action, it is good to talk about ourself and how we internally feel about the action. This is what he calls the 'I messages'. The opposite is the 'You messages' - exactly the wrong thing to do.
You probably know how it feels when you have sent 'You messages' - miserable, after you realize that you just fed your ego.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
So what do you think about me!
It is amazing to see how much effort each of us put in in our lives to change or retain others perception of our identity. Most often this is what seems to be driving my life; but the reality as I understand is that, this is exactly what blocks me from being true to myself and utilizing my fullest capacity.
This idea was touched upon by Soumya and Swami earlier in their study circles, but I am just beginning to understand with a broader meaning now.
Most of our energy I think is spent on trying to create, retain or change others' opinions about us rather than just doing an action for its sake. We always seek for appreciation and praise. I think this is because in reality, we really don't know who we really are and what we are actually capable of. Hence we base our identity on what others think about us. If you really knew who you were, you really wouldn't care a penny for what the other person has to say about you.
When someone says something about me, I tend to measure and rate myself. This is precisely where I think I am wrong because each of us is an immeasurable, limitless creation. When someone says I am good, I limit myself to that amount of what seems "good", and I stop to see the possibility of anything beyond that. When someone says I am "bad", I bind myself to that opinion and am forced into the illusion that I do not have it in me. When we react to other's opinions whether good or bad, we consciously allow THEIR opinion to become OUR reality.
The Divine is never affected by what others have to say because He never takes credit for His actions. When the action is not Mine, why bother to measure?
This idea was touched upon by Soumya and Swami earlier in their study circles, but I am just beginning to understand with a broader meaning now.
Most of our energy I think is spent on trying to create, retain or change others' opinions about us rather than just doing an action for its sake. We always seek for appreciation and praise. I think this is because in reality, we really don't know who we really are and what we are actually capable of. Hence we base our identity on what others think about us. If you really knew who you were, you really wouldn't care a penny for what the other person has to say about you.
When someone says something about me, I tend to measure and rate myself. This is precisely where I think I am wrong because each of us is an immeasurable, limitless creation. When someone says I am good, I limit myself to that amount of what seems "good", and I stop to see the possibility of anything beyond that. When someone says I am "bad", I bind myself to that opinion and am forced into the illusion that I do not have it in me. When we react to other's opinions whether good or bad, we consciously allow THEIR opinion to become OUR reality.
The Divine is never affected by what others have to say because He never takes credit for His actions. When the action is not Mine, why bother to measure?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Discipline vs. Non-Judgement
I would like to share with you a very nice email conversation I had with Soumya a few days ago. about discipline vs. non-judgment. Before I say anything, let me present you the conversation.
Vish:
A question has been lingering in my mind, and I've been seeking an answer for a while now, but it still has remained. I just want to share it with you.
An aspect of good leadership is making sure that the team maintains discipline. Discipline is very important so that the group stays focused on its task. Not everyone can do everything, so it is important that the best people do it. People who are responsible for getting things done should be disciplined and ensure that they deliver what is expected of them.
The other facet of (not necessarily exclusive to) leadership is being non-judgmental about the people we work with. It is our reposibility to ensure that each and everyone brings their best to the table, and let God work through them. This is best done when there is no fear of failure and when people are non-judgemental. We should let the person be whoever he/she is by accepting them from within our hearts and enjoy the God within them.
The problem I see here is that we cannot really make sure there is discipline without being judgemental of others. If once we find that there is no discipline, we have already judged haven't we?
How can I see God in people and say that "The person (who is God) is not perfect yet" at the same time? But then, if I don't do that, am I not being ignorant of the task to complete, thus failing in the arena of discipline?
I find this question relating to many aspects in life. Bhajan singing. If I don't really adore someone else's singing, am I not being judgmental? The problem is with me, is it not? But at the same time, only when good singers sing and discipline is followed do bhajans achieve their collective purpose.
In a team project, if we find that a member does not contribute up to what we think is his best constantly, what do we do? We have two options: 1. Be ignorant, and you can still see the God in him. 2. Talk to him about it. But then, you have judged the person now.
How can we achieve discipline and non-judgment at the same time?
Soumya:
You have hit on the exact problem of parenthood, which is a very specific form of leadership. This is a problem that I have grappled with all these years and I have made some progress but I'm really still working on this.
First of all, I think that one of the main lessons of leadership is that, from the leader's point of view, the exercise is really for you to learn how to lead and the path is the particular project. If we think that the project is really the outcome and the path is for us to learn, I believe that we will have trouble. This understanding helps because we can then strive for the best possible project outcome but at the same time be detached about the project outcome.
Secondly, I think that whatever trait we are trying to inculcate into the others, we must examine that we are doing it to our utmost.
Thirdly, what to do about when we see deficiencies? I think that people don't perform up to a certain standard when they don't inherently believe that they can. As a leader, pushing them is important, not just to get the project done, but to show them something that they don't believe in themselves. I think that then you are truly not judging. You are not saying, "Look, you can't do this; you aren't disciplined", etc. You are actually saying, "You may not believe you are capable of discipline, but I'll show you that you are!" This is what really good teachers do to you--they force you to strive harder and push you till you believe you can. It is kind of like what a personal trainer does--when you don't think you can run another lap, he forces you to.
All of this is possible only when you see the larger picture that the project is the path for you to develop as a person who visualizes other people as better than they presently appear to be and for the workers to develop the different skills and abilities and character required by the project. It can really only happen when everyone strives but the outcome of the project is left in God's hands.
Every time things don't happen like the way we think it is supposed to, we visualize people as incapable. We stop believing in their ability. Our presumption about them starts to haunt us. That is precisely what judgment is. Instead, if we continue to set examples of how to do the job the best possible way and be the happiest people on earth, there are very few ways to motivate them better! The most important thing is that deep down in your heart you should believe that they can do it. That is the way you see the God in them. A 'deficiency' to you will naturally not seem like one. It will seem like an opportunity to motivate people. Even if there is just a little bit of uncertainty in your mind in the first place, you have absolutely no reason to inspire them to believe in themselves.
Soumya's reply inspired me to compose this poem.
Vish:
A question has been lingering in my mind, and I've been seeking an answer for a while now, but it still has remained. I just want to share it with you.
An aspect of good leadership is making sure that the team maintains discipline. Discipline is very important so that the group stays focused on its task. Not everyone can do everything, so it is important that the best people do it. People who are responsible for getting things done should be disciplined and ensure that they deliver what is expected of them.
The other facet of (not necessarily exclusive to) leadership is being non-judgmental about the people we work with. It is our reposibility to ensure that each and everyone brings their best to the table, and let God work through them. This is best done when there is no fear of failure and when people are non-judgemental. We should let the person be whoever he/she is by accepting them from within our hearts and enjoy the God within them.
The problem I see here is that we cannot really make sure there is discipline without being judgemental of others. If once we find that there is no discipline, we have already judged haven't we?
How can I see God in people and say that "The person (who is God) is not perfect yet" at the same time? But then, if I don't do that, am I not being ignorant of the task to complete, thus failing in the arena of discipline?
I find this question relating to many aspects in life. Bhajan singing. If I don't really adore someone else's singing, am I not being judgmental? The problem is with me, is it not? But at the same time, only when good singers sing and discipline is followed do bhajans achieve their collective purpose.
In a team project, if we find that a member does not contribute up to what we think is his best constantly, what do we do? We have two options: 1. Be ignorant, and you can still see the God in him. 2. Talk to him about it. But then, you have judged the person now.
How can we achieve discipline and non-judgment at the same time?
Soumya:
You have hit on the exact problem of parenthood, which is a very specific form of leadership. This is a problem that I have grappled with all these years and I have made some progress but I'm really still working on this.
First of all, I think that one of the main lessons of leadership is that, from the leader's point of view, the exercise is really for you to learn how to lead and the path is the particular project. If we think that the project is really the outcome and the path is for us to learn, I believe that we will have trouble. This understanding helps because we can then strive for the best possible project outcome but at the same time be detached about the project outcome.
Secondly, I think that whatever trait we are trying to inculcate into the others, we must examine that we are doing it to our utmost.
Thirdly, what to do about when we see deficiencies? I think that people don't perform up to a certain standard when they don't inherently believe that they can. As a leader, pushing them is important, not just to get the project done, but to show them something that they don't believe in themselves. I think that then you are truly not judging. You are not saying, "Look, you can't do this; you aren't disciplined", etc. You are actually saying, "You may not believe you are capable of discipline, but I'll show you that you are!" This is what really good teachers do to you--they force you to strive harder and push you till you believe you can. It is kind of like what a personal trainer does--when you don't think you can run another lap, he forces you to.
All of this is possible only when you see the larger picture that the project is the path for you to develop as a person who visualizes other people as better than they presently appear to be and for the workers to develop the different skills and abilities and character required by the project. It can really only happen when everyone strives but the outcome of the project is left in God's hands.
Every time things don't happen like the way we think it is supposed to, we visualize people as incapable. We stop believing in their ability. Our presumption about them starts to haunt us. That is precisely what judgment is. Instead, if we continue to set examples of how to do the job the best possible way and be the happiest people on earth, there are very few ways to motivate them better! The most important thing is that deep down in your heart you should believe that they can do it. That is the way you see the God in them. A 'deficiency' to you will naturally not seem like one. It will seem like an opportunity to motivate people. Even if there is just a little bit of uncertainty in your mind in the first place, you have absolutely no reason to inspire them to believe in themselves.
Soumya's reply inspired me to compose this poem.
First Believe in Thy heart,
cause Thou nature art God;
Then inspire Thy neighbor to Believe in his,
cause he often forgets he art God too;
But only after Thou start Believing in him,
cause he will see the God within - only using Thy eyes!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
"Balance'" your thoughts
Divinity is reached by the absence of thought in one's mind. Is that the only way, or is it possible to realize Divinity from a "balance" in thought? Then what exactly does this "balance" mean?
I think it means acceptance of what happens around us, and taking it at face value. Usually in our minds, one thought triggers another, which triggers a second one and so on. If we observe carefully, our thought processes are more or less like a network, one leading to another and another, sometimes back to where we started from and is sometimes a complete mess. The more such triggering, the more chaos and worrisome our mind gets. The lesser this chain reaction of thoughts, the more peaceful and happy it is.
The idea is to make this network of thoughts simpler and simpler and less deeper as we progress in our life. This is what I believe is "balancing" of thoughts.
"Balancing" thoughts will slowly lead to times when there is a momentary absence of thought, and that is when we feel peace. And the more often we experience this so called peace, the more closer we are towards Divinity.
Conclusion: When you are thinking too much, stop! And Act. There is no better way to stop your thoughts than acting. After all what is Love? Isn't it action where necessary without thought? It is not a feeling or emotion which basically starts from a thought.
I think it means acceptance of what happens around us, and taking it at face value. Usually in our minds, one thought triggers another, which triggers a second one and so on. If we observe carefully, our thought processes are more or less like a network, one leading to another and another, sometimes back to where we started from and is sometimes a complete mess. The more such triggering, the more chaos and worrisome our mind gets. The lesser this chain reaction of thoughts, the more peaceful and happy it is.
The idea is to make this network of thoughts simpler and simpler and less deeper as we progress in our life. This is what I believe is "balancing" of thoughts.
"Balancing" thoughts will slowly lead to times when there is a momentary absence of thought, and that is when we feel peace. And the more often we experience this so called peace, the more closer we are towards Divinity.
Conclusion: When you are thinking too much, stop! And Act. There is no better way to stop your thoughts than acting. After all what is Love? Isn't it action where necessary without thought? It is not a feeling or emotion which basically starts from a thought.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Two wonderful analogies
Last weekend, I was in a conversation with Manmohan uncle and he shared with me two very interesting analogies about divinity.
I was asking him why we should go through material life to realize God in oursleves. Why should we succeed in our job? Why should we marry? Why should we have kids? By involving in these material activities, we just increase our desires and attachments. Do we really gain anything?
As an answer he gave a wonderful analogy. A tiny little fish in the Pacific once had a desire to see the ocean, not knowing that it fact lives in one. It asks all the marine creatures that come in its way big and small, but none of them knew the answer. Finally, it came across a wise fish which said, "You can do this two ways. You can either jump out of the water and then take a look at the ocean and die, or, you can come to believe and understand that each and everything around you is in fact the ocean and continue to live by enjoying its beauty and wonder."
We as humans like the tiny fish seek to know divinity not realizing that it is just within ourselves and everywhere around us. To realize it, we can either live a life of an ascetic without any material attachment to anything which may perhaps result in death. Or otherwise, we can continue to live admiring everything around us with all our heart and soul, acting out of love each and every time by understanding that we are in everything around us! We are all one and the same Divine self!
Another analogy he shared with me stuck hard on my head. He said, "If I give a rose to your right hand, would it be happy?".
"Yes, why not?", I replied.
"Is your left hand jealous or disappointed because it didnt get one?"
I began to understand what he wanted to convey, and nodded on. His next few questiosn were really thought provoking.
"If someone hurt your right hand badly, would your left hand stay put?". "Do you think it would first check with the right hand to see if it really needs help before trying to soothe the hurt?"
Of course not! Then why do we need to check with anyone if he or she needs help. We need ACT, and ACT quickly without second thoughts! Each of us is like an arm to our source which we call God. And each arm does what it has to do. No ifs. No buts. Period.
If the left arm hurts the right arm, who is the loser?
I was asking him why we should go through material life to realize God in oursleves. Why should we succeed in our job? Why should we marry? Why should we have kids? By involving in these material activities, we just increase our desires and attachments. Do we really gain anything?
As an answer he gave a wonderful analogy. A tiny little fish in the Pacific once had a desire to see the ocean, not knowing that it fact lives in one. It asks all the marine creatures that come in its way big and small, but none of them knew the answer. Finally, it came across a wise fish which said, "You can do this two ways. You can either jump out of the water and then take a look at the ocean and die, or, you can come to believe and understand that each and everything around you is in fact the ocean and continue to live by enjoying its beauty and wonder."
We as humans like the tiny fish seek to know divinity not realizing that it is just within ourselves and everywhere around us. To realize it, we can either live a life of an ascetic without any material attachment to anything which may perhaps result in death. Or otherwise, we can continue to live admiring everything around us with all our heart and soul, acting out of love each and every time by understanding that we are in everything around us! We are all one and the same Divine self!
Another analogy he shared with me stuck hard on my head. He said, "If I give a rose to your right hand, would it be happy?".
"Yes, why not?", I replied.
"Is your left hand jealous or disappointed because it didnt get one?"
I began to understand what he wanted to convey, and nodded on. His next few questiosn were really thought provoking.
"If someone hurt your right hand badly, would your left hand stay put?". "Do you think it would first check with the right hand to see if it really needs help before trying to soothe the hurt?"
Of course not! Then why do we need to check with anyone if he or she needs help. We need ACT, and ACT quickly without second thoughts! Each of us is like an arm to our source which we call God. And each arm does what it has to do. No ifs. No buts. Period.
If the left arm hurts the right arm, who is the loser?
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